But, it is a new year, so I will try to be better. I actually like the idea of picking up my blog here, in January of 2011. The last three months of my 2010 were super crazy, I had personal drama up the yin yang, school, finals, and just about everything else. Oh driving lessons...woot. But now that I'm on break and things have settled into the most normal my life will ever be, I'm happy to blog once more.
It's weird, it doesn't feel quite like 2011, yet I do get that sense of a whole new beginning. Last night, my little family's party was gathered in the living room watching the ball drop in Time Square (on TV of course) and we were all holding cold, tingling plastic champagne flutes of sparkling apple cider or champagne (I had apple cider...I know it's so daring.)and I just glanced for one second at everyone. It was one of those movie moments, it totally slowed down and I just got to bask in that completely comfortable, rarely truly felt moments of pure bliss. I was happy. I am happy. It's amazing. My life had been wonderful, only to be thrown down that spot only certain human excrements are deemed worthy to travel down and then, just months later, I was basking in the oh so tantalizing happiness. My life is wonderful.
Today I watched one of my favorite youtubers: Kandee Johnson. This women is truly an inspiration to me. She posted a new year's video about letting go of the pain and hurt from 2010, just forgiving all those who made you suffer, so you can be happy. And she is absolutely right. You can't be happy until you let go everything that's hurt you. By hanging on, and hating those who have hurt you, you're still letting them hurt you. And it's hard, it's so hard to forgive someone who's made you cry. It's one of the hardest things in life to do. Yet, the moment you honestly forgive them in your heart, you feel infinitely better. You can really feel their demons lifting from you. Plus it pisses them off when you can just smile and say I forgive you for being awful to me. I never said revenge wasn't an option. ;) But her video just really solidified my belief in letting pain go. Just recently, I found out a friend of mine passed away. I cried for the longest time, just asking God why he would ever do something like that, why take a mother and friend and wife from this world? This woman was so pure hearted with a wonderful, wonderful spirit. So why did it happen? And yea, I know they say God only takes the best from us before we want to let them go. But then, when I felt I had adjusted to this information, I let it go. I'm just blessed to have known her at all, to know she has touched my life. It's hard to let pain go, especially when it's a death, but you can't drown in it.
Just recently too, and just as many have felt before me I felt what it's like to feel heart break. After about 5 days of solid crying, I let it go. I knew just sitting there being mopey wasn't going to make things better. And yea, I talked to him every day. People questioned me, telling me I shouldn't do this, or shouldn't do that, or they couldn't believe we were even talking. "After what he did to you..." But no one seemed to get; I forgave him. I knew in my heart that this pain wasn't for forever and that if I even wanted to move on, I needed to forgive him. It was hard, but I just started...healing. I was feeling again. I felt like it was ok to be happy again. And I was, I am. My point isn't for you to feel bad for me, or to spread my life all over the internet (yes even though I'm blogging, it is possible to have a private life) my point is for you to grasp a concept to help you in your life. Just as you believe the world is crumbling, that you'll never catch your breath, you can. Don't drag the emotional weight of 2010 into 2011. They don't call it a new year for you act the same old way.
I looked down into the comments on that video and found this quote:
"You might be upset and sure you have a reason to be, but how many reasons do you have to be happy? A lot more."
Remember: Don't ever lose sight of what makes you happy. Don't feel like these people are always going to haunt you. They're just one reason of hurt in a million reasons of happy.
So to all my lovely readers; or just me talking to myself, have a wonderful, happy New Year and may 2011 bring you whatever it is you've been needing.
R.I.P Kelli
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